M is for Horse (If Horse Started With An M)

Steven's Video Game Store Concept:

Mother: Hi, I'm here to get this game for my son. His birthday's coming up.

Cashier: Mm-hm... ma'am, you know this game is rated M, right?

Mother: Yes. Yes, I know. He said that. It's okay.

Cashier: Yeah, but... you know that M stands for Mature. This is for mature people, like myselffffffff. Not your son.

Mother: I... he just wants it. I said it's okay.

Cashier: Mm-hm. Right. Yeah. No, you know this game includes hitting people. Right? Other people. Sometimes, their heads just come clean off. Pow! Head pops right off. And your son, if he plays this? Yeah, he's gonna start doing that. All the time.

Mother: My son is old enough to differentiate fact and fiction, I think. I said it's okay. Please just ring this up.

Cashier: Did you also know this game has you rape and kill hookers?

Mom: But... it's about aliens.

Cashier: Yeah. They're alien hookers. Much worse than regular ones. Alien ones? They're real bad. And he's gonna play this game and then go kill some prostitutes, in all likliness.You don't want that on your conscience, do ya? So I'm just going to put this game right back here, where no one can get it. I can sell you this game about horses, however. They're real nice horses. Gentle. Much better for your young, impressionable son.

(Uncertain, the mother gets the Horsezzzz game instead. Flash forward to the future; the son is riding a horse, when the horse bucks him off; his legs break. Unable to pursue his horse-related passion, he turns to a life of crime; he kills hookers. He knocks people's heads off. This is... his fate.)

ALTERNATE ENDING: (This is changable, but could work better and be easier to film:)

We see the son get the game; he's like 10 or something, clearly too young. He's dissappointed, obviously, but pops it in anyway. We don't see the TV screen, but hear the tutorial being read out loud, as the son reacts:

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Horsez! To make your horse jump over an obstacle, press A. To have your horse run faster, press B. To have your horse sodomize a hobo you found in the street, press the right trigger. To sodomize the hobo yourself while your horse stands watch, press the left trigger. (Continuing to speak while the son speaks his own line, softer:) To tell your horse to slow down, hit backwards on the analog stick...

SON: This is the best game ever!

We Have Chips

Chris: ...so... writing. How do we... start?

Dave: Well, they say to write what you know. Right? So what do we know?

Chris: ...nobody wants to hear about what we know. We are not that interesting. What the fuck do we do? We watch movies. We make awful jokes.

("Flashback" portion during this:

Chris: This whole movie is basically like beating a dead horse.

Dave: Beating off a dead horse.

Both laugh in that stupid snort thing that we do when we make awful, hardly funny sex-related jokes. I think we all know what that is. It's clear that these two characters are fucking douchebags: basically, us.)

Chris: (continuing previous line) ...and we eat chips.

Dave: There! That's concept, right there. Chips.

Chris: Chips. You think that chips are something we should explore further.

Dave: Sure! Hear me out on this. So there's a guy, right? Let's just... his name is Mike, or something. And he likes chips. Like, he really likes them. A lot. So much that he's actually addicted to them. He cannot stop eating. And it's destroying his friends and family.

(Throughout that line, the "movie" plays; key scenes from this addictive chip masterpiece. What these are can be interpreted loosely; it doesn't really matter, as long as it's a ridiculous take on drug-addiction movies. Requiem for a Dream if it was just stupid as hell.)

Dave: (cont.) So... the movie's all about that addiction, and his recovery. And it can be a family film, or whatever. Get some product placement up in there. It's basically money in the bank.

Chris: ...so... just curious, here... how does one go about curing a chip addiction?

Dave: Well, that's easy.

Chris: Yeah?

Dave: Sandwich.

Chris: (incredulously) Sandwich.

Dave: Well, yeah. You give a guy a sandwich, right? He's gonna eat it. He's gonna be full. He doesn't need another sandwich, he just had one. You give a guy some chips, he's just gonna keep eating 'em until there's none left. This is gold, right here. This is a fucking revolution in screenwriting.

Chris: Alright, you know what? Let's do it. And I won't even take co-credit or anything. This is all your beautiful, pure, loving conception.

Dave: Wait, seriously?

Chris: Of course fucking not!

Dave: (after a pause) ...what if it was about salsa?

Then, there's an explosion. Then, just a dick just in the middle of the screen, hovering there. And both Chris and Dave are dead in the background. Then a dinosaur appears, wearing a pink thong. It giggles. Fade to black.

Not really, though. A quick cut after the last line should be enough to make it a punch... just a ridiculous sound, or music, or something. Anything followed by music tends to be funnier.

After A While

After leaving this alone for a bit, we did come up with some new material. I can't remember all of it, though, so I'll just try and post what we know.

I think we remember how we wanted ALL ABORT! That's some quality material. That's some class, right there.

I also had an idea for an adaption of this http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/UnNews:Area_Man_Claims_To_Be_The_Most_Elite_Elitist_Ever

article. I'm not going to write out the full script, but it uses a good amount of content from there but w/ a new punchline and more newsy approach. Steven knows how it goes. I'm lazy and don't like typing.

Steven also mentioned "Tourists." If we have anything on that, I guess we can do it. Problem with making fun of Bush is that he's not in office anymore, it's more or less beating a dead horse. Hard. Or beating off a dead horse, which is kinda gross. 

God, Water is Gross (And One Short)

May as well post the short little bit Steven came up with yesterday first:

GUY: God, you're sexy when you eat pizza.

(Camera shows who he's talking to; whoever it is, their face is covered with sauce. It's sick. That's the punch, too. That's like, two seconds. But it's two seconds of mediocrity; a level of mediocrity that we probably have not hit before this moment, as we were sailing well below the bar. This just sets it mildly higher.)

ALSO: We have the Pat inspired bit where someone literally dying of thirst (my suggestion is that they were locked in a closet somehow and no one heard them yelling for help) and then, in a desperate tone, begging for soda. Or money, or both. Because they think water is gross. We barely have to make up dialogue for that because Pat literally said some of the jokes that you guys came up with. We can just steal all that, or even just improvise the middle bit; it's not hard.

It needs a punch, though. I was thinking the person who refuses to get them a soda actually has one, but doesn't want to let them know... maybe it's an advertisement? If we can create a punchline worthy last couple of seconds (the VO of the commercial), it could work. Unfortunately, the best punch I came up with is super racist, and we have to ask some of our Semetic friends if it's cool:

JEW BRAND SODA: Don't ever give anything to anyone.

Less racist, but more hokey, is:

RICK ASTLEY BRAND: Never gonna give it up.

I don't know. It could work, but if anyone has other suggestions, there's certainly a lot of potential in the whole middle portion of this. It just needs an end. (Writing ends is really hard.)

Also, didn't you have some other idea? You may as well post it. I'm getting lonely, posting here all alone.

Dog Revisions

Dog skit's now going to start off innocent, but creepy; then gradually build in intensity, until it becomes satanic and threatening. So, it starts off with calm, ethereal music, going up to smooth jazz as the dog "seduces", I guess... then the double bass drums kick in, when shit starts to get freaky.

Do we want to use other, pre-existing music or record something new for this? The only problem with recording new stuff is the "smooth jazz" bit, unless Corey can do some sweet jazz solo with his trumpet. Still, I'd prefer to do something new; that way there's no copyright issues or whatever. I doubt there would be, but if it's not much harder to play it safe, we may as well.

ALSO: Should it be a girl or a guy (in the dog skit)? I have it in there as a guy... the girl bit was to get that "pregnant" line in. I'm not really sure how to fit that in there... it's funny, and I'd like to keep it if we can make it sensible and flow. But a guy would save us the trouble of dressing someone up as a girl and/or actually having a girl. I guess we're not going to have girls. I still think a chick or two would be a worthwhile addition to the cast. We'll all have to talk about that, I guess.

Writing Jokes With Us and Mike's Ideas

HOW TO WRITE A JOKE: 

With Us, The... Somethings. We need a name. It could be, "Dicks." Or something much more reasonable. Well, in the meantime, I guess it's just writing a joke with me and Steven. I was going to write DEMONSTRATOR, but this is basically tailored for Steven, so may as well just put him right in there.

WRITER: (looking at his computer screen and typing) ..."dicks." Yeah, that's just right. ("fake" noticing the camera) Oh, hi! I was just putting the finishing touches on a sketch we've been working on. Now, a lot of people have asked me, how do you write a funny joke? Well, I'm here to show you my foolproof method; and afterwards, you too can write priceless humour that will surely go down through the generations as classic, 21st century comedy. Step one is simple: first, take the word "Penis." Now, look around your room. What do you see? A chair, maybe? Look at all the humor we can get from these two simple words!

STEVEN: (each sentence a different example) I had sex with that chair with my penis. That chair has a penis on it! That chair fucked me! Like a penis!

WRITER: Classy! Take any of those ideas and simply extend it. Extend it... much like a penis extends itself. See? The joke is so flexible! Like a flaccid penis. But don't be decieved; the penis is not simply for crude humor. It can be used to fix things that would otherwise be irreparable. 

EDIT: BUISNESS-TYPE GUY: (giving a presentation) ...so... a few days ago, we're basically going bankrupt. But there is a bright side. (revealing the rest of the poster; there's a penis drawn at the bottom) Yeah. So... after I drew that on there... people started buying our stock again. We're pretty much back to normal.

BOSS: Thanks, Paul. You and your wonderful penis drawings have saved this company!

WRITER: Or, what if you're faced with some tough news? Sometimes, finding the right thing to say is hard; or, impossible. But the man-organ is a wonderful device.

(STEVEN and GIRLFRIEND (presumably Aubrey, but hey. Steven could break up with her between now and then. Because what they have isn't forever. It's not forever, Steven! Be free again! BE FREE!) are in a room; she's walking up to him, sobbing.)

STEVEN: Hey, what's wrong?

GIRLFRIEND: ...my... my grandpa just died.

STEVEN: (holding her close and whispering in her ear) Huge cocks.

(She laughs and calms down. Ah, the magic of the word.)

WRITER: So remember, use the word judiciously; spread it, much like a penis spreads... well, I think you get the jizz-t. (NOTE: Yeah, that's a pun on the word "jist." Fuck it. It's hard to make good puns.) 

STEVEN: Seriously, though, why are dicks so funny?

WRITER: Penis. 

STEVEN: ...oh yeah.

Steven also had the idea of something about "No, anything that has a period is gross." Which I like, but I'm not sure if it goes in here... but it's worth writing down for saving. It could be funny.

THE MAGICAL HUMPING DOG:

This skit's David fucking Lynch-y. I'm not sure it fits in with the other stuff, and I think it's kinda funny... I'm just gonna say though, it's bizarre. Maybe we could rework the concept. Also, it needs a punch, which you'll find out.

GUY #1: Oh, man, is your dog around? I hate your dog?

GUY #2: Why? Rocko likes you.

GUY #1: Look, he always humps my leg and stuff, alright? I don't know why you keep him around.

GUY #2: Whatever, man. Look, he's right over there. He's fine, alright? It's just a dog.

GUY #1: Yeah... 

(We somehow come to see that while GUY 2 sees just a cute dog, GUY 1 sees a man; maybe one dressed in a dog costume. But it's weird as hell. Honestly, that's what concerns me about this... it seems super-gay. Mike, are you a little gay? It's okay if you tell us. I mean, I'm gay too.

Well, not really. I was just trying to get you to admit you were gay. But I guess you won't.

Anyhow, while GUY 2 sees nothing wrong (and doesn't react) GUY 1 is seeing this frightening, dog-dressed man crawl across the floor and jump into his lap.)

GUY #1: Please, please, get him off me...

GUY #2: Why? He likes you!

(Switching back to GUY 2's perspective, we just see the dog playing on the other guy's lap, having a good time. Every time GUY 1 talks, we see what he's seeing; every time GUY 2 talks, we see his perspective.)

GUY #1: Listen, I don't want him to like me. He's weird, okay? He's really, really weird.

GUY #2: (seeing the dog lick the other's face, and not really paying attention) Don't diss my dog.

GUY #1: (finally losing his resolve as the Dog-guy is all over him, screaming:) PLEASE BE GENTLE! PLEASE BE GENTLE!

GUY #2: (looking over, and just seeing the dog) ...man, you have some fucking problems with my dog. Here, I'll go put him upstairs, okay? Goddamn.

(GUY 1 watches in horror as GUY 2 leads the Dog-Guy up the stairs; the Dog gives him a frightening goodbye.) 

GUY 1: Thank God that's over.

(A cat walks in. We see it normal... then in GUY 1's perspective...)

GUY 1: (scared) ...why would you keep something like that in your house?

That's not the best punch, and I realize that. It's decent. We could try a "shock" ending, maybe? If it really does get demonic near the end, there's fruit there.

There was the other idea of two sexual predators trying to lure a girl into their van, and then trying to lure in each other... which I like, but I want to make them both trying to lure the same girl into their van as funny as possible, and I don't really know how to approach that. Them trying to lure each other will be funny no matter what, though.

I Can Do It Myself

I like the idea of the guy who thinks he can do everything himself refusing paramedic's help because he can do it himself: going so far as to put a note on his shirt that says "No, I can do it myself" on his chest so as to avoid getting CPR and having to administer it "himself". So unless that's the punch (we'd really have to work up to that) there's gotta be some other way to end it. Maybe something that, for some reason, he doesn't want to do himself? It could work either way, and having something that he flat-out refuses to do himself, even after everything else, could work as to break the pattern and make funny jokes. 

But... what? 

Dirty Hands and the Men Who Love Them

COLIN: So, man, guess what I did this weekend.

GUY: I don't know. What?

COLIN: Made out with my girlfriend. Y'know, kind of a lot. You wanna see?

GUY: (confused and slightly appalled) No, I... don't.... really...

COLIN: (displaying a hand with a heavily-lipsticked set of lips and eyes drawn on, now referred to as the GF HAND) See, this is her, right? (begins to make out with his hand, smearing the lipstick everywhere. The smears are important, since they're vital in the later punch)

GUY is watching, shocked and unsure of what to do. 

GF HAND: (actually Colin in a falsetto) Oh, Colin, you're so handsome and awesome! I love you so much!

COLIN: (deeper and manlier than usual) I love you too. 

(they continue to make out; but suddenly, there's another hand, with a paper tie attached. it's Guy's. this hand is now the DAD HAND.)

DAD HAND: Hey, honey, I'm back, and... what the fuck is going on? Who are you and what are you doing with my daughter?

COLIN: Oh my god!

GF HAND: Dad, it's okay, he's just my friend!

DAD HAND: "Just my friend" my ass! Honey, get down here!

(Guy's other hand appears, perhaps with a dress or a wig of some sort. It's all dressed up, one way or another.) 

MOTHER HAND: What? 

DAD HAND: You daughter is a slut! She's been doing things with that boy over there!

COLIN: Listen, sir, I'll leave, okay? I'll just leave.

MOM HAND: No, no, honey, if she's been doing bad things, you know what we said. We have to kill him.

DAD HAND: Yeah, I guess you're right. (Pulling out a knife, and brandishing it)

COLIN: Oh, Jesus!

(we now have a sudden zoom out to see all the hands, Colin, and Guy. They've gotten deeply engaged in their roleplay, but now, they're snapping out of it.)

COLIN: That's not how it went at all.

GUY: Well, I needed you to stop before it got worse.

COLIN: Heh, yeah. We got pretty into it. You don't want to know some of the other stuff we did.

(zoom to reveal that his pants are absolutely smeared in lipstick; this is the punch and we have to work with it. maybe his hand was his girlfriend the whole time? it's ambigious.) 

 

What We've Already Got

This is all the material we got down last... Saturday, was it? Yeah. So this is the founding stones, from which our jokes about dicks shall flow; flow like a mighty stream of penis-related humour, much like pee pouring from that organ which we hold so dear.

Yeah.

CHALLENGE DAY:

ANNOUNCER: We're doing this to show you... that you are not alone. There are others like you! And they're here!

(Shot of everyone looking around, slight emotions)

ANNOUNCER: If you have been made fun of... for your race or appearance, I want you to step across the line.

(Some cross over, and look at each other. One girl begins to cry softly, and someone near her comforts.)

ANNOUNCER: (voice beginning to crack) Okay, go back... now, if you have ever been made fun of, for your intelligence, too much or not enough... I want you to step across the line.

(Others cross; the tears are beginning to come out, now, or they're at least on a near edge.)

ANNOUNCER: See? We're all so similar. And we need to see that in each other.

 (All the people look at each other, holding others closely and step back...)

ANNOUNCER: And... if you have ever been made fun of... for being a cat. (crying) Please step forward!

(One guy, with whiskers, steps forward, holding his cat closely.)

CAT GUY: (quietly) Be strong, kitty. Be strong.

 

JUST... LET ME, MAN:

(A guy walks past an avenue, where a vaguely scruffy/gang-sta looking guy is.)

GANGSTA: (stopping the other) Hey, man, hey…

(Sudden movement to CU)

GANGSTA: (pulling out a gun) Let me suck your dick.

 

JUST... LET ME, MAN #2:

GANGSTA: Some people say that that you can't survive a head wound... others say, a shot to the heart is fatal. And others say... that dicks, can't be sucked. But I think... they're wrong.

(OPTIONAL: Quick fade to black, two gunshots are heard... then sucking sounds.)

DILDO SKIT:

DOLLY: ...and that's why the object that represents me is a puppy, because I love everyone and everything and I hope that all the animals and the people and the plants can be friends someday! The end.

TEACHER: (as class applauds) Thank you, Dolly, that was very nice. Uh... Corey, you're up next.

(A douche approaches. He's douchy, moves like a douche, and dresses like a douche. Of the bag variety. His collar is poppin', and his moves are solid. He's the straight up, white boy G.)

COREY: My object is a dildo, because I like to be IN VAGINAS! HIGH FIVE!

(Corey goes around the class and gives all the guys high fives, approaching the teacher, the teacher is hesitant, shaking his head and saying no, then in an instant jumps up, gives a high five and starts celebrating. Corey are yelling at each other in excitement, and then in an instant change of mood:)

TEACHER: Yeah, I'm failing you.

FOX NEWS:

REPORTER: This is what the beds of most kids look like. Parents think that these kinds are okay for kids, but that's not the truth. In fact, these beds are dangerous brothels of murder and sin, especially the pillows, the pillows that you bought so your kids could be comfortable.

OPTION 1:

(Switches to another shot of a bed, there's a girl asleep on the bed.)

REPORTER: Watch how easy it is for me to suffocate this prostitute. (Begins to suffocate her, she's struggling and he continues to talk calmly.) Maybe if this bitch hadn't tried to steal my wallet, this pillow wouldn't have suffocated her, but today, it's a different story. (She stops struggling, dead.) Not  even hard.

OPTION 2:

REPORTER: Watch as this kid falls victim to the pillows on his bed. (Showing a guy struggling to get his face out of his pillow as he thrashes around in suffocation.)

CONCERNED PARENT: We didn't know how dangerous these pillows were until our firstborn died. Now we make our kids sleep in the corner, in our basement.

REPORTER: You let your kids sleep in your house?

CONCERNED PARENTS: Yeah, I mean, I guess...

REPORTER: Don't you know how dangerous homes are? As you can see from this bar graph, the bar representing how many kids die in houses in comparison to other scary things, like snake bites, bear attacks, and pornography is way bigger! 

CONCERNED PARENT: Now we know! We'll make our kids sleep in the back yard from now on.

REPORTER: On our next expose, backyards: they'll fuck you up.

 

MAN VS. PENIS:

(We see a man walk in with an attractive girl to some party.)

GIRLFRIEND: Here, you need to meet my best friend! We've known each other since we were, like, six.

GUY: Oh, okay... I mean, I guess. Oh... oh....

(Sees extremely ugly and frightening girl waving at them. She and the attractive girl meet and hug; he's appalled but trying to hide it.)

GIRLFRIEND: You two get to know each other while I get some punch, okay?

GUY: Oh, yeah, I guess, I mean, I could come with or something... (turns as he watches her leave, and then, in a whispering tone...) ...please don't leave me.

BEST FRIEND: (extremely perky) Hey! Kimberly and I have known each other for, like, forever. Now, since you're going out with her, you have to pretend to like me, get along with me, and be willing to put up with all my issues that Kimberly's gonna help me solve, and etc. (she continues to talk quietly about stupid bullshit while the rest of the scene continues without her)

GUY: (talking to his penis) ...dude, do I really have to do this?

(There's a shot of his pants. They don't say anything, but there's clearly a response.)

GUY: Look, I know you thought we'd probably get with Kimberly tonight. But I'm not putting up with this shit. We can go home and masturbate. It's like, the same thing.

(Penis shot, once more. It's communicating, “No, it's not.” But not saying anything; that's just the time spent in that beat.)

GUY: Yes it is!

(Penis shot; it's saying something longer now. It's angry.)

GUY: Well, I mean... come on...

(A short retort.)

GUY: Fuck you! Fuck you. Fine. Alright? Fucking... fine. (Now talking to the irritating girl, trying to fake interest) Oh, yeah, it's wonderful to... meet you. (suddenly, and pulling out a gun) I can't fucking do this. (he shoots himself right in the head and falls just as the girlfriend comes back)

GIRLFRIEND: (half crying) Why does this always happen to me?

BEST FRIEND: I don't know! We should both be single and be best friends forever.

(The GIRLFRIEND nods and continues walking while BEST FRIEND sneaks a glance back at the dead body and smiles slightly, then turns back around. What a fucking bitch: she planned this.)