Monday, February 9, 2009

Dirty Hands and the Men Who Love Them

COLIN: So, man, guess what I did this weekend.

GUY: I don't know. What?

COLIN: Made out with my girlfriend. Y'know, kind of a lot. You wanna see?

GUY: (confused and slightly appalled) No, I... don't.... really...

COLIN: (displaying a hand with a heavily-lipsticked set of lips and eyes drawn on, now referred to as the GF HAND) See, this is her, right? (begins to make out with his hand, smearing the lipstick everywhere. The smears are important, since they're vital in the later punch)

GUY is watching, shocked and unsure of what to do. 

GF HAND: (actually Colin in a falsetto) Oh, Colin, you're so handsome and awesome! I love you so much!

COLIN: (deeper and manlier than usual) I love you too. 

(they continue to make out; but suddenly, there's another hand, with a paper tie attached. it's Guy's. this hand is now the DAD HAND.)

DAD HAND: Hey, honey, I'm back, and... what the fuck is going on? Who are you and what are you doing with my daughter?

COLIN: Oh my god!

GF HAND: Dad, it's okay, he's just my friend!

DAD HAND: "Just my friend" my ass! Honey, get down here!

(Guy's other hand appears, perhaps with a dress or a wig of some sort. It's all dressed up, one way or another.) 

MOTHER HAND: What? 

DAD HAND: You daughter is a slut! She's been doing things with that boy over there!

COLIN: Listen, sir, I'll leave, okay? I'll just leave.

MOM HAND: No, no, honey, if she's been doing bad things, you know what we said. We have to kill him.

DAD HAND: Yeah, I guess you're right. (Pulling out a knife, and brandishing it)

COLIN: Oh, Jesus!

(we now have a sudden zoom out to see all the hands, Colin, and Guy. They've gotten deeply engaged in their roleplay, but now, they're snapping out of it.)

COLIN: That's not how it went at all.

GUY: Well, I needed you to stop before it got worse.

COLIN: Heh, yeah. We got pretty into it. You don't want to know some of the other stuff we did.

(zoom to reveal that his pants are absolutely smeared in lipstick; this is the punch and we have to work with it. maybe his hand was his girlfriend the whole time? it's ambigious.) 

 

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