This is all the material we got down last... Saturday, was it? Yeah. So this is the founding stones, from which our jokes about dicks shall flow; flow like a mighty stream of penis-related humour, much like pee pouring from that organ which we hold so dear.
Yeah.
CHALLENGE DAY:
ANNOUNCER: We're doing this to show you... that you are not alone. There are others like you! And they're here!
(Shot of everyone looking around, slight emotions)
ANNOUNCER: If you have been made fun of... for your race or appearance, I want you to step across the line.
(Some cross over, and look at each other. One girl begins to cry softly, and someone near her comforts.)
ANNOUNCER: (voice beginning to crack) Okay, go back... now, if you have ever been made fun of, for your intelligence, too much or not enough... I want you to step across the line.
(Others cross; the tears are beginning to come out, now, or they're at least on a near edge.)
ANNOUNCER: See? We're all so similar. And we need to see that in each other.
(All the people look at each other, holding others closely and step back...)
ANNOUNCER: And... if you have ever been made fun of... for being a cat. (crying) Please step forward!
(One guy, with whiskers, steps forward, holding his cat closely.)
CAT GUY: (quietly) Be strong, kitty. Be strong.
JUST... LET ME, MAN:
(A guy walks past an avenue, where a vaguely scruffy/gang-sta looking guy is.)
GANGSTA: (stopping the other) Hey, man, hey…
(Sudden movement to CU)
GANGSTA: (pulling out a gun) Let me suck your dick.
JUST... LET ME, MAN #2:
GANGSTA: Some people say that that you can't survive a head wound... others say, a shot to the heart is fatal. And others say... that dicks, can't be sucked. But I think... they're wrong.
(OPTIONAL: Quick fade to black, two gunshots are heard... then sucking sounds.)
DILDO SKIT:
DOLLY: ...and that's why the object that represents me is a puppy, because I love everyone and everything and I hope that all the animals and the people and the plants can be friends someday! The end.
TEACHER: (as class applauds) Thank you, Dolly, that was very nice. Uh... Corey, you're up next.
(A douche approaches. He's douchy, moves like a douche, and dresses like a douche. Of the bag variety. His collar is poppin', and his moves are solid. He's the straight up, white boy G.)
COREY: My object is a dildo, because I like to be IN VAGINAS! HIGH FIVE!
(Corey goes around the class and gives all the guys high fives, approaching the teacher, the teacher is hesitant, shaking his head and saying no, then in an instant jumps up, gives a high five and starts celebrating. Corey are yelling at each other in excitement, and then in an instant change of mood:)
TEACHER: Yeah, I'm failing you.
FOX NEWS:
REPORTER: This is what the beds of most kids look like. Parents think that these kinds are okay for kids, but that's not the truth. In fact, these beds are dangerous brothels of murder and sin, especially the pillows, the pillows that you bought so your kids could be comfortable.
OPTION 1:
(Switches to another shot of a bed, there's a girl asleep on the bed.)
REPORTER: Watch how easy it is for me to suffocate this prostitute. (Begins to suffocate her, she's struggling and he continues to talk calmly.) Maybe if this bitch hadn't tried to steal my wallet, this pillow wouldn't have suffocated her, but today, it's a different story. (She stops struggling, dead.) Not even hard.
OPTION 2:
REPORTER: Watch as this kid falls victim to the pillows on his bed. (Showing a guy struggling to get his face out of his pillow as he thrashes around in suffocation.)
CONCERNED PARENT: We didn't know how dangerous these pillows were until our firstborn died. Now we make our kids sleep in the corner, in our basement.
REPORTER: You let your kids sleep in your house?
CONCERNED PARENTS: Yeah, I mean, I guess...
REPORTER: Don't you know how dangerous homes are? As you can see from this bar graph, the bar representing how many kids die in houses in comparison to other scary things, like snake bites, bear attacks, and pornography is way bigger!
CONCERNED PARENT: Now we know! We'll make our kids sleep in the back yard from now on.
REPORTER: On our next expose, backyards: they'll fuck you up.
MAN VS. PENIS:
(We see a man walk in with an attractive girl to some party.)
GIRLFRIEND: Here, you need to meet my best friend! We've known each other since we were, like, six.
GUY: Oh, okay... I mean, I guess. Oh... oh....
(Sees extremely ugly and frightening girl waving at them. She and the attractive girl meet and hug; he's appalled but trying to hide it.)
GIRLFRIEND: You two get to know each other while I get some punch, okay?
GUY: Oh, yeah, I guess, I mean, I could come with or something... (turns as he watches her leave, and then, in a whispering tone...) ...please don't leave me.
BEST FRIEND: (extremely perky) Hey! Kimberly and I have known each other for, like, forever. Now, since you're going out with her, you have to pretend to like me, get along with me, and be willing to put up with all my issues that Kimberly's gonna help me solve, and etc. (she continues to talk quietly about stupid bullshit while the rest of the scene continues without her)
GUY: (talking to his penis) ...dude, do I really have to do this?
(There's a shot of his pants. They don't say anything, but there's clearly a response.)
GUY: Look, I know you thought we'd probably get with Kimberly tonight. But I'm not putting up with this shit. We can go home and masturbate. It's like, the same thing.
(Penis shot, once more. It's communicating, “No, it's not.” But not saying anything; that's just the time spent in that beat.)
GUY: Yes it is!
(Penis shot; it's saying something longer now. It's angry.)
GUY: Well, I mean... come on...
(A short retort.)
GUY: Fuck you! Fuck you. Fine. Alright? Fucking... fine. (Now talking to the irritating girl, trying to fake interest) Oh, yeah, it's wonderful to... meet you. (suddenly, and pulling out a gun) I can't fucking do this. (he shoots himself right in the head and falls just as the girlfriend comes back)
GIRLFRIEND: (half crying) Why does this always happen to me?
BEST FRIEND: I don't know! We should both be single and be best friends forever.
(The GIRLFRIEND nods and continues walking while BEST FRIEND sneaks a glance back at the dead body and smiles slightly, then turns back around. What a fucking bitch: she planned this.)
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